According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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