And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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