My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
