I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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