God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
