She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
