My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So vagazzling was a success
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