Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
