Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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