I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
