dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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