im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dicks are not precious.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
