When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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