I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
