Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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