once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Two words: nipple clamps
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