I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
