Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
