Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize