i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
