Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
