Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
