May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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