he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
