I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
