Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
