; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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