this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Im part way to drunk.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
