I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
