True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I FOUND THE LEGS
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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