You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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