i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
