i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
