When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
