i already hear my dad disowning me
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
