We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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