Your face is a jimmy john
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
