ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
