My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
