Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
