I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i think my cat just said my name.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
false alarm, still single
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
