Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
