So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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