I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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