my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
