Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
