Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
