i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
