The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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