I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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