My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Blood and glitter go together right?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i now understand why vodka
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
