found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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