Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
