Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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