You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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