Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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