Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
